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Progress on the Positive

I thought I’d update you on my own positive progress since this month’s A to Z Challenge is all about the Positive. I am going to be honest with you, as it’s the only way for me to work through this. You don’t have to read this, or comment. It’s more of a way for me to vent, to get my emotions on (virtual) paper so I can manage and/or control them.

I’ve been having to take my anti-anxiety pills, and I really hate doing that.  I feel as though I’m weak because of it. I may just be a hypocrite because my husband has to take medication for a multitude of ailments (thank you Army) and when I tell him I don’t want to be dependent on the meds because then I’m not strong, he asks me if I think he’s not strong because he takes medication. By no means do I think he’s weak. He suffers way too much to be weak. But in my mind, if *I* take them, *I* am weak…not anyone else…just me. So how do I get passed this way of thinking? I don’t know.  Not yet, at least. So, when the anxiety panic gets too overwhelming and I have an elephant sitting on my chest, I take my meds. It helps. It clears my head and I can begin the road back to positive again.I’m beginning to wonder if I really have “depression.” I know over the years I’ve had bouts, even seen the doctor about them from time to time. Date rape wasn’t a “thing” when I was a teen and I didn’t realize it had affected me the way it did. But I got over it. Postpartum depression hit me really hard and had to seek help again. But I got over that too. And then, when I nearly lost my husband the first time, I started having anxiety/panic attacks and had to seek counseling, again. I got better, and quit my sessions. But now, with the recent transpiring events these last 6 months, I’ve been having anxiety/panic attacks more and more. I feel alone. My heart is heavy and I’ve been crying way too much. Again.

But does this mean I’m chronically depressed? I don’t think so. I think everyone goes through trying times. Everything cycles. Just like the moon waxes and wanes, the waves ebb and flow, so to do our emotional highs and lows.

Maybe I’m an empath (you know, like Deanna Troi). For as long as I can remember, I take on the emotions that surround me. If I’m with someone and they are happy, I’m happy. When I’m with someone and they’re angry, I’m get angry. When I’m with someone and they are sad, I do everything possible to bring them up. But sometimes, especially when you live with someone suffering from daily migraines, chronic neck pain & depression (PTSD), it just pulls me in along with it. Until I can’t handle the weight anymore. I break.

Even on the darkest days, seek out some friends and dance.

Even on the darkest days, seek out some friends and dance.

A few days back, it all came to a head when I had a bad dream. As all dreams go, most of it doesn’t make logical sense. I dreamed my husband was doing everything possible he could do to piss me off. Now, I’m not confrontational, and I let him continue until I couldn’t take it anymore and asked him why. All he did was smile. I got so mad at him and finally he said, “Because I want you to relax.” Yeah…like that makes any sense, and when I told my husband about it afterwards, he said, “That’s just silly. How does making you mad make you relax?” But that’s only half of it. In my dream, when he finally admitted why he was doing it, that’s when I realized, and began an uncontrollable sob. I said, “How can I relax when I have so much to worry about?”

I woke up sobbing. I scared my husband. He was telling me it was only a dream, but I kept saying, “It’s not a dream. It’s not a dream.” He told me that dreams aren’t logical and that makes no sense. But deep down I knew it was true. I’ve been worrying too much about everything. My mom is a chronic worrier, and I never want to be like her on that front because her outlook for everything she worries about is so negative. I have to focus on the positive! HAVE TO! But sometimes, the negative overwhelms me, and then this happens….

It weighed heavily on me all day and into the next, like an elephant was sitting on my chest. It’s hard to climb out of the abyss. The darkness hides the trail. But then, I looked up to the sky, on the most dreary of days and watched a flock of birds dance across the sky. A little voice inside whispered this to me: “Even on the darkest days, seek out some friends and dance.”

I think I’ve been stuck on the down swing now for the past several months, getting worse with each day, week, month. This has affected my writing so much it makes me feel lower than I should. I’m at the last two chapters of my first draft of my first novel, and I can’t get more than an average of a sentence a day out, most times less. It doesn’t help when my job interferes as well. But now, I’m waking up again.

Funny thing is, I think my mind is the worst culprit to my negativity and depression. I’ve been a long time supporter of positive thinking. (Read my epiphany). And I do my best to find the positives, no matter how small, in every situation. Sometimes, it’s the hardest thing to do. And all I want to do is just give up. Giving up is easy. But I always think that tomorrow may be better. Hope is the only thing that gets me through to the next day. I don’t want to be a quitter. I just wish I could remember to ask for help, to ask for friendship. I need to re-read this post I made a few months back!

I’m reading my daily Post-It notes, and everyone’s comments, and I am finding that more and more people seem to be enjoying them and that makes me happy. I have a huge heart and I want to make sure everyone is happy. I worry when I can’t do that. So, this month’s Post-it notes are benefiting not only you, my readers, but also me. And I thank you, deeply, for that.

Through the window, one can dream....or hope. It's always there

Through the window, one can dream….or hope. It’s always there. Just look.

 

 

Today, I’m 2 days free of needing anti-anxiety medicine. My outlook is more positive. Those negative voices are slinking back into the shadows of my mind, hopefully for a very long time. I’m actually smiling a little more each day. I’m finding the positives, no matter how small.

This is proof that the power of positive thinking heals. Here’s hoping it’ll continue longer than the down swing.

Hope.

It’s all I got.

 

LadyJai

8 Comments

  1. Comment by Cheyenne:

    Andrew, you rock 🙂 That is a perfect way of saying it!

    No one can be strong all the time, and you and I are very much alike, Jamie. We worry about others’ happiness and well-being but often to the detriment of our own. I’m trying to remind myself that I have to deal with whatever is going on with me if I want to be able to give my best to other people, and sometimes – MOST TIMES – that means asking for help, in whatever way that help comes.

    I took an anti-depressant for awhile years back, after some pretty unfortunate circumstances. I was ashamed at first, but it helped me get through. I would do it again if I needed to (although I find the side effects to be undesirable), and I don’t see others needing to as weakness at all. It’s helping get you back to a better state from which to work, and there should be no judgment. But again, that’s down to worrying how others might perceive us, and it’s time we learn to stop!

    As old Dale Carnegie said, “Just live each day until bedtime.” Sometimes focusing on the shorter term makes it a little bit easier 🙂 Love you!

  2. Comment by Ida Chiavaro Reflex Reactions:

    I love your post it Lady Jai, and i love that you went for it in your vent. The only comment I will add is that the greatest healers need the most healing. Give yourself some Reiki over the next few days. (if you don’t know how just google or youtube – how to learn reiki in 10 minutes 🙂

  3. Comment by Heather Jacobs:

    I love Andrew’s blade of grass comparison. It’s brilliant. And like Leigh said I can’t completely relate, but I know how that feeling feels. Feeling this way isn’t being weak, it’s being strong. You want to help others, and you have helped me so much in the past. You are strong. You have been my strength, but you need to remember you. You are a blade of grass. Stand tall and proud and know there are those of us around that love and adore you. *hugs*

  4. Comment by Rebekah Loper:

    I like Andrew’s “blade of grass” comparison ;).

    You’re not weak for needing help. Sometimes your body just rebels against itself, and (like I remind my family sometimes – and even myself) not everything is a spiritual problem. Sometimes there really are physical problems causing emotional ones, and then we have to amend how we’re living.

    Believe me, there have been a few times over the past year when I’ve wondered if I should be on anti-anxiety meds. But then I realize I’d have to go to the doctor … and that usually makes me change my mind. (I have a lot of reasons for not liking doctors. They haven’t been very nice to my family in the past. While I know not all doctors would be like that … yeah, when you’ve had one bad experience after another, it’s hard to get over that distrust.)

    Just remember, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” No matter how long the night may seem, the morning is ALWAYS coming. *hugs*

    Also, I’m so behind on reading A-Z posts … maybe this afternoon I’ll get to look at yours, lol!

  5. Comment by Leigh Caroline:

    <3 I can't say I've been there, because everyone's rabbit hole is different… But I definitely empathize. It sucks, badly, to watch someone you love suffer, and be powerless to do anything that actually helps. At least in my case, we can snuggle and even if it doesn't help the underlying problem, it makes it feel more manageable.
    I look at it this way: If you break your leg, you put it in a cast. You wouldn't keep walking on it without doing that. Meds like that are a cast for the brain, until you heal enough to bend with the changes instead of breaking from them. And writing is already a marathon, don't try to run it with a broken leg if you don't have to.
    Finishing a novel is a VERY emotional part of the process. You've spent a long time with these characters, putting them through all sorts of hell, seeing what they're made of. Endings generally are very tense and emotional for the characters involved, because they either win or lose, and yeah. I almost always HATE writing endings because I get wrapped up in all the emotions in the process.

  6. Comment by M. Andrew Patterson (@DyadicEchoes):

    I completely understand your feelings about meds. I was the same way. Then I started on mine. When I woke up and I didn’t have to drag myself out of bed, I couldn’t believe that I was scared.

    Strong doesn’t mean you have to be a rock. Rock gets worn down by wind and rain. Think of a blade of grass. The wind blows and blows and it just bends and straightens again when the wind stops. You can cut it and step on it, but still it grows. It is strong because it is able to move and bend. 😀

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